Holding Two Truths: Navigating Mother’s Day with Grief and Gratitude
Mother's Day is often wrapped in flowers and warmth. It is a celebration of unconditional love and nurturing, a cherished tradition for so many people around the world. But for others, this day can be complicated, painful, or even unbearable.
As a therapist, I sit with people as they carry the weight of this day in silence- those grieving the child they’ve lost, longing to conceive, healing from estranged relationships, or carrying the ache of never becoming a mother. So many people around us carry their own quiet grief.
And so today I want to offer a gentle message to you all: that it’s okay to hold two truths at once.
Its okay to celebrate the mother you love and grieve the mother you have not yet become.
Its okay to feel deep gratitude and a deep ache.
You can honour others and STILL honour your own story.
The Hidden Grief of Mother’s Day
Mother’s Day can be a sharp reminder of what’s missing in your life- children lost, pregnancies that never came to be, the “someday” that still hasn’t arrived or the nurturing mother-daughter relationship that never came to be. These griefs are often invisible, they don’t come with sympathy cards or casseroles. Yet they live in our bodies, in our stories and in the quiet moments as we scroll through numerous photo tributes and breakfast-in-bed posts that leave us wondering, well, what about me?
Grief on this day can take many forms:
- The ache of infertility and unfulfilled longing;
- The heartbreak of miscarriage or stillbirth;
- The loss of a child, no matter how many years have passed;
- A fractured or abusive relationship with your own mother;
- Estrangement from adult children;
- The quiet sadness of being a stepmother or mother figure with no recognition;
- Choosing not to have children and being misunderstood or judged for it.
As a Therapist…
I work with clients navigating these truths and complexities, as I hold their space with compassion and clarity. A clarity that comes to me by walking beside you in your pain, a pain I know so well.
Therapists are not immune to pain; we are trained to understand it, but we still feel it. And for those of us who live with grief around motherhood, this day can be especially heavy.
Permission to Feel: You are not broken for feeling both
It’s human to carry conflicting emotions. You can celebrate your mother and feel relieved not to see her. You can celebrate your sister’s children and cry for your own empty arms. You can post sweet tributes and still log off feeling hollow.
None of these feelings cancels the others out.
We live in a culture that wants emotions to be neat and tidy. But real life- especially around something as personal and as primal as motherhood- is never neat. It’s messy, it’s layered, and you are ALLOWED TO FEEL IT ALL.
To Those Wanting to be Mothers
Let me just say that your motherhood is not defined by a child in your arms. It’s in your whole heart- in the way you love, dream and hope without bounds. You are not “less than” on this day or any other.
If you’ve been trying, waiting, praying or quietly carrying the dream of being a mother, this day is yours too. It’s ok if you need to step back. It’s okay if you need to cry. It’s okay if you don’t want to go to brunch.
For Those with Painful Mother-Child Relationships
Not all mothers are safe. Not all childhoods are nurturing. If your relationship with your mother is strained, abusive or complex, you may feel guilt for not “joining the celebration”. You don’t owe anyone any performance on this day.
It’s okay to protect yourself. It’s okay to draw boundaries that help you feel safe. Healing sometimes looks like stepping away from what others expect. And that’s OKAY.
Coping Tools for a Tender Day
If this day feels especially tender, here are a few things that might help:
1. Name your truth- sometimes just saying “this day is hard for me” can be a powerful first step.
2. Create a ritual- Light a candle for a lost child. Write a letter. Write a blog post. Take a walk. Do
something that grounds you in your own journey.
3. Limit social media- If the scroll starts to hurt, give yourself permission to unplug.
4. Connect with someone who gets it- a friend, a support group or even a therapist.
5. Choose how YOU want to spend the day- There’s no right way to do Mother’s Day. You get to
decide.
So in closing…
To those who celebrate today;
I celebrate with you.
To those grieving;
I grieve with you.
To those in between;
I see you.
You are not alone in the complexity of this day.
You are not alone for feeling what you feel.
And you don’t have to perform joy if it’s not where you are right now.
This Mother’s Day, may we all hold a space for all these stories.
May we give ourselves the grace to feel what we feel, and may we learn to hold grief and gratitude- side by side- with gentleness.