Holding On and Letting Go: A Conscious Approach to Separation Anxiety

Separation anxiety is one of the most common emotional challenges in early childhood, and also one of the most misunderstood. For many families, it shows up suddenly: a child who used to wave happily when being dropped off is now clinging, crying, or even panicking when a parent tries to leave. But from a therapy and early intervention lens, separation anxiety is far more than a phase. It’s a meaningful expression of a child’s developing sense of self, attachment, and emotional world.

Let’s unpack what separation anxiety is, why it happens, and how both parents and children can be supported through it in emotionally intelligent and developmentally attuned ways.

What Is Separation Anxiety?

Separation anxiety refers to the distress or fear that arises when a child is separated from their primary caregiver. It usually emerges between 6 months and 3 years, peaking around 18–24 months. However, it can resurface during transitions (e.g., starting school, new siblings, or stress at home) or linger beyond the toddler years in some children.

Common signs include:

• Clinginess

• Crying or tantrums when the caregiver is leaving/dropping off

• Physical complaints like stomachaches

• Refusal to sleep alone or attend school, or childcare

A Gestalt Therapy Perspective

In Gestalt therapy, we view development through the lens of contact and awareness. The child’s sense of self is still emerging, and in early years, the boundary between “me” and “you” (especially a parent/caregiver) is still fluid. Therefore, the child experiences the caregiver as part of themselves.

When separation occurs, the ‘contact boundary’ is disturbed. The child may not yet have the emotional resources to navigate this separation and return to a state of regulation. They are not simply missing a person—they are grappling with a loss of ‘wholeness’.

Yes, big words, but simply put, what we mean is, a child is not able to separate themselves from their caregiver/parents and therefore is left feeling unsafe, dysregulated and in their eyes- missing a vital piece of who they are. 

We don’t pathologise separation anxiety; instead, we see it as a signal—an opportunity to support a child’s process of individuation and trust.

The Early Intervention Lens

From an early intervention perspective, relationships are the foundation of all learning and emotional growth. The first three years of life are critical for shaping the brain’s capacity to regulate emotion, form healthy attachments, and cope with transitions.

In cases where separation anxiety is persistent or extreme, we look at:

• Sensory sensitivities or regulation issues

• Attachment patterns and caregiving consistency

• Developmental delays or trauma histories

• The child’s temperament and lived experience

Support must always be relational, developmentally appropriate, and responsive, not reactive.

Strategies for Parents and Children

Here are some strategies drawn from both therapy and early intervention practice:

1. Build Emotional Literacy

• Name and reflect feelings: “I see that you’re sad when I leave. It’s hard to say goodbye.”

• Normalise the emotion: “Lots of kids feel this way. You’re not alone.”

• Use books, puppets, or drawings to explore emotions safely.

2. Create Predictability Through Ritual

Children thrive on routines because it brings structure to uncertainty.

• Develop a consistent goodbye ritual- a hug, song, or special phrase you use every time.

• Always say goodbye—avoid sneaking out.

• Use visual schedules or transition charts with pictures to outline the day.

3. Practice Gradual Separation (With Safety in Mind)

Small, manageable separations help children develop confidence over time.

• Start with brief separations in a familiar environment.

• Introduce transitional objects—a parent/caregiver’s scarf, a photo, etc.

• Always reunite predictably—this builds trust in your return.

4. Focus on Connection Before Separation

• Fill the child’s “emotional tank” with your full attention before transitions.

• Offer 10 minutes of focused play where the child leads.

• Connection creates a stronger foundation for independence.

5. Regulate Yourself to Co-Regulate Them

Children mirror the emotional states of adults. If a parent feels anxious, guilty, or rushed during separation, the child will absorb that energy.

• Take a grounding breath before drop-off- If you're anxious, your child will know!

• Trust your child’s resilience—and your caregiving.

• Seek support if separation anxiety is affecting your own well-being.

Separation anxiety is not a flaw to fix, but a signal to understand. When viewed with compassion, we see a child reaching for safety, connection, and developmentally appropriate autonomy. With patient presence, structured support, and emotional awareness, children—and their parents/caregivers—can move through separation not with fear, but with growing resilience and relational strength.